It's a cruel, cruel summer. Or: Eye of the Vipera Berus

Did you know I am scared of snakes. Do you know we only have one mildly poisonous one of them in Norway? (acctually I believe adder is the right term? For this kind? We don't care. It is a big-ass evil poisonous SNAKE! Have you seen Steve Irvin coming to Norway? No. It is because this snake, this ADDER is TOO ICKY AND SCARY EVEN FOR HIM!)

Now. Did you know that it is illegal to kill this snake-adder? Because there are so few left of it? I know! Best. News. Ever. Become exctint! Someone else can eat the mice! We have cats! Begone evil Adder of Hell! But NONO! Guess what!! This year has been a good year for critters! Which equals. Lots of food for must-die-adder. So. This year? ADDER YEAR! Year of the SNAKE! Welcome to Norway! My closest holiday country! Anyone wants to come over and walk in the wilderness with me? Where there are evil, nasty semi-poisonous snakes IN ABUNDANCE! Hi! I love my country! And if you see one? You may not kill it. Because that would be illegal. So this summer has been a scary summer for me. Ok, so if you get bitten you won't just DIE, it is a matter of like itching and getting irritated (and scared out of your mind.) UNLESS! HAH! UNLESS! You are a small child (who cares?) or ALLERGIC! Now who is allergic to everything? ME! So this summer has been a nice summer of sitting indoors, never letting my feet touch the floor and jumping at every sound that even remotely resembles a hiss. If I go outdoors I risk running into THIS:


"Heloooo. I am ze French adder! Who wantz a piece of moi? You cannoz 'urt me! 'a'a!"

Apparently how you recognice an "adder" from the worm-like non dangerous snakey things is that only this little bastard can lift his head. So the actual test to run, they told me, is to LIFT the hell-sent creature up by the tail and see if he just hangs there or if he lifts himself up to a u-shape. Now look at this fella long and hard and... would you lift him by the tale to CHECK or would you shout bloody murder and run like fuck. Straight into the next one because THERE ARE LOTS OF THEM! EVERYWHERE!


"I can totally see you and your allergic self with my evil eye of death! Come play with me!"

So as you can see. Rough times here in Norway. Please send vodka, ancle protectors and PLEASE can someone get me a licence to kill?!

Let's talk about it, eh?

You know. I blog all nerdy like. And I am getting edumacated to become a psychologist. But when it comes to "Talk About It" like the serious talk-talk that needs to be had sometimes? I am gone. I HATE it. And seeing as I just broke off a relationship where we had to TALK about everything because apparently EVERYTHING was a HUGE problem with us because ONE of us and I won't mention names except it was not me and it starts with a P and ends with aul, was one huge-ass whiner.

Anyways. I am TIRED of talking things through. No more talk. From now on, instead, I will leave subtle hints on my blog for everyone I know to read and pick up. If you think it is about you? It probably is. I think that is the most mature and conciderate thing to do. Untill school starts up again, I claim the right to NOT talk about it, I am single fresh out of the box and I am ENTITLED to be selfish and careless. Right? You Guys? Yes?

And then? Now? There is this other guy? And I won't tell you anything because innernet is not a place to post this right now. But. I got the signs he wanted to TALK. And me? I bailed. I called Marianne so that I would be busy, sorry, cannot talk with you now darlin. And do you know what I did? Being the girl I am? I told Marianne everything I should have told this guy. Marianne, who does not know half the story, if anything, got a long talk about all my feelings and viewpoints. Or lack thereof. Because that's it. Right now. I Do Not Care. Honest. The road split and I stopped and waited for someone to give me a lift. Wherever. I kind of like it.

But when the summer holiday is over I will become responsible again. I promise. And make funny blogposts like a good girl, and not just longwinded ones about my personal life with no dirty details at all.

How to get all prettied up; An essensial guide for every girl everywhere.

1. Shower. Sing. Loudly. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

2. Dry off. Search for spray in conditioner. Spray-in conditioner not to be found ANYWHERE. Run around naked and scream at everyone.

3. Shower again. Sing. Louder and Angrier. Lather, Rinse, Repeat and APPLY CONDITIONER.

4. Dry off. Run around naked again and scream at everyone because you are a woman and it is your God-given right. Find deodorant with hands while examining your teeth intensely in the mirror. Spray.

5. Throw out old Brother-in-law's Old Spice spray on crap. Shower again. Lather, Rinse, Throw a tantrum. Condition.

6. Find matching underwear (because you're worth it) with surprisingly little problems. Put on without breaking a seam or any vital bodyparts. Be amazed.

7. Do not find the top that you are going to wear ANYWHERE. Search. Search. Search. Search some more. Run around in your underwear and scream at everyone. Scream at the cats. Scream at the flowers. Scream out the window. Find top mashed into a tiiiny corner in your warderobe. Wrinkly. Scream. Loudly.

8. Plug in curling iron with one hand and iron shirt with other. Throw iron after anyone joking about "best to call the firedepartment now hahaha". Declare half-assed ironed shirt to be done TADAAAA and put on. Because girls never ever spill or make a mess while doing hair and putting on make-up.

9. Start using the curling iron. Be a curling iron idiot. Fry your hair untill it screams for help. Curl everything different ways so some strands of hair curl on up into the universe and some are so tightly pressed up your neck you feel you're on the bus with that nasty, smelly old guy again. Get the curling iron stuck in your hair approximately one thousand trillion times. Throw very heavy and sharp stilletto after anyone inquiring what is taking so long. Watch hair uncurl itself faster than you can curl it. Sigh very loudly.

10. Make up! Get out make up bag. Find spray-in conditioner in make-up bag. Scream. Break something. Pour yourself a generous amount of fine rum. Apply make-up. Spill Mascara Everywhere. Ev. Ery. Where. And on anything. Drink up rest of rum. Smile.

11. Try on 11 000 pairs of shoes. Occationally throw tried-and-rejected shoes at person coughing and dangling car keys.

12. Look at yourself in the mirror. Have stressed out other person lift you up because mirror is mounted too far up the wall. Show gratitude by spending even more time taking 10, 000 pictures of yourself to post on your blog.

13. Be very pleased with result!



Do you see how much concealer there is on this picture? I have not slept in 48 hours! That is in fact not my face. I concealed it and painted on a new one! Also, if my arms were half as long in real life as they look in that picture maybe I could actually reach things!

...and now give it some tongue!!



Please would someone come brush my hair?

10 Things I have learned in my 21 year long life that I may or may not just be putting up here to get SOMETHING on this new blog and also introducing:

...longest title ever!

Anyways:

1. You know when you think you're in love? But then you think "uh.. am I REALLY in love or am I just kidding myself?". Then it is not love.

2. Moving out from a house you share with a partner is kind of a big deal.

3. Single life is underrated.

4. I am compulsively rude and sarcastic. Sorry. Can't help it.

5. Drama school sucks. ("Let's pretend we are mushrooms. Now let's pretend we are happy mushrooms! This will prepare us for our glamourous future as out-of-work actors." If I ever go to an audition and get asked to mime a happy mushroom I will gladly eat my own uterus.)

6. Mum was right. I do need a real education.

7. No mess, no creativity. None. Gone. I will lift clothes off the floor, vacuum under them and put them back. Because I would not have it any other way. Always messy, never dirty.

8. If I listen to music I can walk amazingly long distances. Which I suppose is an incentive to start working out but one I am chosing to ignore.

9. I have no in-between. I am always either jumpingly happy and energetic or I am far-far down or mightily pissed off. Mainly the first one.

10. Home is a nice place to visit.